& that's the way life goes

YAY! It’s over and I got through it with the help of a small pill called Xanax…well it wasn’t specifically Xanax but an anti anxiety pill. I’m not too proud to say I needed it. It helped immensely today and I plan on using them for every testing. I still messed up a couple times but I wasn’t as horrified and instead of just completely stopping and trying to start over I worked my way through it. I’m not advocating medication and I wish I didn’t need it, but I do and I can accept that.

Sorry the pic quality sucks!

Oh and a pat on the back to myself: 2 of the Master’s commented on my excellent form and techniques. I believe the wording was “the best in the class”. Of course it wasn’t said in front of everyone, just casually as I was getting ready to leave. C♥ & Auntie J heard them )

My breathing becomes irregular and my heart beats rapidly in my chest. I blow out a breath of air and try to concentrate. I must be concentrating too hard because everything in my mind goes blank. I start to break out into a cold sweat, it’s harder to breathe and I’m afraid my heart is going to pound out of my chest. Too many people staring at me, watching me, expecting excellence from me. Instead I completely fail with only 3 more steps to go. This happens 5 times. Not once or even twice but 5 times. I’m mortified when I finally finish but I try not to hang my head in shame. I keep my head high and walk to the back. If I’m not feeling bad enough the f*cking asshole in class has to comment. I hold back tears, traumatized by the whole event. A half hour later I left the dojo and cried when I got home. (and an hour after that I got drunk from one margarita HAHA) So 3 months later why am I doing it again?

It’s belt testing time again at Tae Kwon Do. In front of all the parents, 2 Masters, Grandmaster, his wife (also a black belt, I’m not sure what degree) and my Master/Instructor (my dad a 4th degree black belt). I know all the blocking sets, kicks, stances, sparring, and I really do know my form. I can do it in my head and in class on cue, but when it comes to all those people staring, watching I choke. Last time one of the Master’s spoke up for me saying I was nervous (I’m always nervous) while my dad laughed. I think he laughs because I just embarrassed him and he’s not sure what else to do. He also tells me I choke all the time. He doesn’t do it to be mean, really, I think he thinks I’m like him and the harder I’m pushed the more likely I will be succeed. C♥ is like that too. But I’m too sensitive to be pushed to succeed. I need loving, gentle support to succeed not someone demanding that I do it.

I’m not outwardly competitive but I’m extremely competitive with myself in my mind. Which is why, 3 months later, I’m going to do it again. Because maybe this time it will be different. But the fear of “maybe it won’t” scares the shit out of me. Can I face the humiliation again and hold back tears? I think not. Any advice on blocking people out so I can relax enough to demonstrate my form without choking?

My Dad thinks it’s funny when I whine and tell him I can’t do things. He chuckles a little and tells me I’m too scared and proceeds to make me do it anyways. What irritates me is that he’s right, we all know I’m a headcase. But in my defense I can see my neck breaking as I try the dive roll he just showed me.

If you aren’t sure what a dive roll is think of some Jackie Chan fight scene and I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. Or if you prefer, Agent Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner in Alias) does it in many of her fight scenes. In my daydreams I’m totally like her.

Anyhow, I got him to slow it down for me (for some reason he thinks I’m much better than I really am and is always skipping ahead of what I can actually do without hurting myself) and the rolling began. Over and over again. Squat position, knee and elbow to the floor, head tuck, roll, stand, kick. (I left out the part where my knee and elbow dug into the mat causing sharp needling pain and also the time my forehead got stuck on the mat before the roll began. Oh, and the dizziness caused by numerous rolling over occasions. And when my dad laughed and made me do it again)

That wasn’t the only torture I endured last night at Tae Kwon Do. I also performed the dreaded squat…but not any squat. These were squats leading into each of the 10 basic kicks. It was something like this: squat, stand, kick, squat, stand, kick (with other foot) in sets of 6. Fun times…it wasn’t so bad when we were actually doing it but when we stopped it felt like my legs were going to collapse. Usually there are other students there with me, but not last night. Last night I was there alone which for some reason makes class harder. Probably because all the focus was on me which means we don’t take as many breaks. See above “he thinks I’m better than I actually am”. Following the exhausting squats was bouncing and the jab, punch, kick. Sets of 6 for each of the 10 kicks. I’m not good at math so if you figure out how many kicks I actually did keep it to yourself. I think knowing the specific number might make me faint.

I’m more sore than I usually am. Most of the time I feel the slight ache of satisfaction. Today, every step I take I feel the strong pain of knives being stuck in my thigh muscles and going down stairs sounds like this “ow, damn, ow, ow, damn”.

In other news

The “For Sale by Owner” sign is now up in front of the house…and the fun begins.