Guess WHAT!

The awesome Kat of ToughGirl101 has featured me on her Tough Girl Tuesday!  Seriously, how freaking cool is that?!  I’ve never been featured anywhere!  And I’ve never actually thought of myself as a Tough Girl.  I like it though.  Kat is pretty kick ass herself and I swear she’s my long lost twin.  She’s amazing and so is her blog.

What are you waiting for?!  Go check it out and make sure to read through her posts.  She is very inspirational and her stories are always entertaining.

Thanks Kat!

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Post tags: tae kwon do, toughgirl

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Wow I got nothing.  How sad is that?  The best that I can come up with is that I think my nice person filter is broken and I’m left leaving conversations thinking, “hmmmm maybe I shouldn’t have said that”.

Lovely.

I’m exhausted.  Don’t know why I just feel ridiculously tired.  Maybe it’s because I stayed up and watched Law & Order SVU last night after Fringe.  Did anyone watch either?  I am liking Fringe.  And no it’s not only because my Boyfriend is one of the main characters.  SVU?  I was actually disturbed by it.  I mean they usually talk about some depressing shit but last nights episode?  Brutal.  I don’t know if I can watch next week.

So I’m off to tae kwon do tonight.  My lazy ass skipped last night and went to the library instead.  But the next three nights are mandatory.  I’m testing for my bodan on Saturday.  Send me good luck, I’ll need it.

Happy Hump Day

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Post tags: fringe, law & order svu, tae kwon do, tv

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Another note about my dad…

Last Thursday…

At tae kwon do…

He kicked me…

…IN THE HEAD…

Not ONCE…

…But 3 TIMES…

(For those of you who don’t know, my dad is my Master Instructer and “is getting me ready for the next tournament” or so he says HAHA)

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Post tags: tae kwon do

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Today marked the start of 120+ miles driven every Friday from now until (fingers crossed) July. This is what the car schedule looks like:

7am: Drive to work (30 miles)

11am: Drive to tae kwon do (30 miles)

1:30pm: Drive back to work (30 miles)

5pm: Drive home (30 miles)

Luckily (I guess) it’s mostly freeway so it’s not too much wear and tear on my car BUT it’s probably going to be a little hard on the checking account. It will be worth it! I’m getting lots of extra tkd training, which hopefully means toner arms, legs and abs. Woohoo. I dread the 20 minutes we spend solely on the stomach area but I will close my eyes, grind my teeth and think of happier thoughts.

Tonight I will have to add an extra 20 miles because I have a DAS meeting directly after work.

Happy Friday Everyone!!!

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Post tags: driving, freeway, fridays, tae kwon do

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Have you ever found that the thing you are searching for may have been with you the whole time? Lately I’ve felt unbalanced as if something were missing. I didn’t feel like I was fulfilling my life. I’ve been saying little prayers lately asking for guidance on what I need to be doing. I thought maybe meditation or yoga would help and when I have time, hopefully in April, I will try out these alternatives. But thinking hard about it I realized the quiet and serenity I’m searching for comes when I’m doing Tae Kwon Do. (Excluding testing, because as you know I freak the f*ck out) The kicking, punching, blocking and breathing shelters me from the world. It’s where I find my peace and also my frustration. When I say frustration I mean it challenges me, pulls me a little farther out of my comfort zone. Tae Kwon Do gives me satisfaction as well as the mental stimulation I crave. It also makes me feel strong, confident and independent. Just recently, my dad confided in me that Grand Master wants me to have my black belt by December. This is huge news, Grand Master Kil, has in all honesty earned the title of “Grand Master” from all the experience and knowledge he holds:

Grand Master Sang Sop Kil is one of the highest ranked black belts in the world of Tae Kwon Do. His credentials and reputation are world renowned. He is a 10th degree black belt, certified by the World Tae Kwon Do Federation. Grand Master Kil has more than 40 years of experience in teaching, studying and researching Tae Kwon Do. He is an International Master, Instructor, Coach and Certified Referee. He was the Korean National Champion between the years of 1965 and 1968. He was also a U.S. Army combative instructor from the years 1962 to 1980.

I saw Grand Master after my dad had told me that. I didn’t mention anything to him because it’s a little scary to have to jump belts like that. You are talking quickly learning everything for Senior Red Belt and moving to the “temporary black belt” which is half red, half black. This belt alone you are supposed to wear for six months to a year. There is even more in store. Grand Master told me personally he wants me to compete at the State Tournament in April. (And also the Governor’s Cup Tournament.) It’s less than a month away. I will have to learn my new form and perfect it in 28 days. He took me aside and gave me half the form I am to learn, making sure to correct every move I make. He is leaving for Korea and will be gone a week. When he comes back he wants to work with me some more. If I am going to do this, achieve this, I will need to really take this sport seriously. Which I can and actually want to. It’s amazing that the Grand Master would have so much confidence in me, even after the nerves I experience during testing. I guess like my Dad, he sees something in me that I don’t. I’ve always wanted to be great at something, but I’ve always been just average. Maybe this is my chance. His hope is that I will win at States and have a bid for Nationals, which is being held in Detroit this July. But I’m not looking that far ahead. Right now all I’m thinking about is States and that’s enough.

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Post tags: photo challenge, states tournament, tae kwon do

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YAY! It’s over and I got through it with the help of a small pill called Xanax…well it wasn’t specifically Xanax but an anti anxiety pill. I’m not too proud to say I needed it. It helped immensely today and I plan on using them for every testing. I still messed up a couple times but I wasn’t as horrified and instead of just completely stopping and trying to start over I worked my way through it. I’m not advocating medication and I wish I didn’t need it, but I do and I can accept that.

Sorry the pic quality sucks!

Oh and a pat on the back to myself: 2 of the Master’s commented on my excellent form and techniques. I believe the wording was “the best in the class”. Of course it wasn’t said in front of everyone, just casually as I was getting ready to leave. C♥ & Auntie J heard them )

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Post tags: photo challenge, red belt, tae kwon do

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My breathing becomes irregular and my heart beats rapidly in my chest. I blow out a breath of air and try to concentrate. I must be concentrating too hard because everything in my mind goes blank. I start to break out into a cold sweat, it’s harder to breathe and I’m afraid my heart is going to pound out of my chest. Too many people staring at me, watching me, expecting excellence from me. Instead I completely fail with only 3 more steps to go. This happens 5 times. Not once or even twice but 5 times. I’m mortified when I finally finish but I try not to hang my head in shame. I keep my head high and walk to the back. If I’m not feeling bad enough the f*cking asshole in class has to comment. I hold back tears, traumatized by the whole event. A half hour later I left the dojo and cried when I got home. (and an hour after that I got drunk from one margarita HAHA) So 3 months later why am I doing it again?

It’s belt testing time again at Tae Kwon Do. In front of all the parents, 2 Masters, Grandmaster, his wife (also a black belt, I’m not sure what degree) and my Master/Instructor (my dad a 4th degree black belt). I know all the blocking sets, kicks, stances, sparring, and I really do know my form. I can do it in my head and in class on cue, but when it comes to all those people staring, watching I choke. Last time one of the Master’s spoke up for me saying I was nervous (I’m always nervous) while my dad laughed. I think he laughs because I just embarrassed him and he’s not sure what else to do. He also tells me I choke all the time. He doesn’t do it to be mean, really, I think he thinks I’m like him and the harder I’m pushed the more likely I will be succeed. C♥ is like that too. But I’m too sensitive to be pushed to succeed. I need loving, gentle support to succeed not someone demanding that I do it.

I’m not outwardly competitive but I’m extremely competitive with myself in my mind. Which is why, 3 months later, I’m going to do it again. Because maybe this time it will be different. But the fear of “maybe it won’t” scares the shit out of me. Can I face the humiliation again and hold back tears? I think not. Any advice on blocking people out so I can relax enough to demonstrate my form without choking?

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Post tags: fear, tae kwon do

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My Dad thinks it’s funny when I whine and tell him I can’t do things. He chuckles a little and tells me I’m too scared and proceeds to make me do it anyways. What irritates me is that he’s right, we all know I’m a headcase. But in my defense I can see my neck breaking as I try the dive roll he just showed me.

If you aren’t sure what a dive roll is think of some Jackie Chan fight scene and I’m sure it’s in there somewhere. Or if you prefer, Agent Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner in Alias) does it in many of her fight scenes. In my daydreams I’m totally like her.

Anyhow, I got him to slow it down for me (for some reason he thinks I’m much better than I really am and is always skipping ahead of what I can actually do without hurting myself) and the rolling began. Over and over again. Squat position, knee and elbow to the floor, head tuck, roll, stand, kick. (I left out the part where my knee and elbow dug into the mat causing sharp needling pain and also the time my forehead got stuck on the mat before the roll began. Oh, and the dizziness caused by numerous rolling over occasions. And when my dad laughed and made me do it again)

That wasn’t the only torture I endured last night at Tae Kwon Do. I also performed the dreaded squat…but not any squat. These were squats leading into each of the 10 basic kicks. It was something like this: squat, stand, kick, squat, stand, kick (with other foot) in sets of 6. Fun times…it wasn’t so bad when we were actually doing it but when we stopped it felt like my legs were going to collapse. Usually there are other students there with me, but not last night. Last night I was there alone which for some reason makes class harder. Probably because all the focus was on me which means we don’t take as many breaks. See above “he thinks I’m better than I actually am”. Following the exhausting squats was bouncing and the jab, punch, kick. Sets of 6 for each of the 10 kicks. I’m not good at math so if you figure out how many kicks I actually did keep it to yourself. I think knowing the specific number might make me faint.

I’m more sore than I usually am. Most of the time I feel the slight ache of satisfaction. Today, every step I take I feel the strong pain of knives being stuck in my thigh muscles and going down stairs sounds like this “ow, damn, ow, ow, damn”.

In other news

The “For Sale by Owner” sign is now up in front of the house…and the fun begins.

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Post tags: tae kwon do

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