& that's the way life goes » neurosis

i survived tkd testing – 1st degree!

ria — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 01:40:47 +0000

Surviving Taekwondo Testing 101

I get performance anxiety BAD. (you need an example?) Like I want to throw up or curl up into the fetal position and suck my thumb. Having gone through multiple testing sessions now I’ve learned some tricks on keeping the panic under control.

Deep Breaths – Since I was last to go at everything today I spent a lot of time sitting in lotus position inhaling and exhaling deeply

Observe – While lower belts are demonstrating their poomsaes I quietly whisper each move they are making

Focus – The kids are adorable and it’s amazing how much they learn in a matter of months

Zone the Fuck Out – C told me afterward that he wasn’t sure if even he (the extrovert) would be able to stand in front of all the Masters and parents/families that make up the audience. He also said that while I was standing in front of the Masters answering questions I looked like I was zoned out or stoned on Xanax. Whatever works kids, you better believe I’m going to do it.

I did have a slight mess up on the last poomsae* they asked me to perform, but after 150 pushups, 50 situps, 50 roundhouse kicks (50 each side) on my dad’s back, 5 instances of self defense, One-Steps* and question answering I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

All that was on top of the 2 hours of warm ups and combination kicks that I had done with the class.

My blackbelt will come from Korea, embroidered with my name with one gold strip on the tip to represent 1st dan. You bet you will see a picture! When I get the pictures from KW from her Canon Rebel I’ll be putting some up. C took a few but he didn’t change the setting and they didn’t come out very well.

And this happens to be a pretty good shot of my first tattoo I got on my 25th birthday in Honolulu.

{Malia is Maria in Hawaiian}

*I realize you have no idea what some of these things are, all you need to know is that it’s work. lol

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Post tags: hawaii, neurosis, omg i might panic, tattoo

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wanted: working brain

ria — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 18:24:13 +0000

I need something from you guys. Either

A. A new brain that actually can remember shit

B. Lots of positive thoughts and good luck things.

I’m going to bomb my midterm tonight. I tried studying all weekend but every time I take the practice tests I’m averaging like 10/20. Seriously?! I’ve been to every class. I also know there is going to be over 100 questions and I swear I have ADD I can’t concentrate that long. I just start skimming things and I can’t wait for it to be over.

I’m so scared for tonight. I’ve never actually failed a test before. But there is a first time for everything.

OMG cue the panic attack…

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where my neurosis shows

ria — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 18:06:38 +0000

I’m going to apologize for asking this question before I ask it.

I’m sorry.

What is the point of facebook?

Wait, wait. Before you get all “it’s to connect with people” on me, let me explain my conflicting feelings.

I only send friend requests to people that I know and people that I knew and had a friendship with and we’ve lost touch. In no way do I want to get involved in the I have 300 friends and am SO cool game. So I send requests to people in high school I sat with at lunch or remember chatting with in class. And let me tell you for those people facebook is great. And I friend people that I’m friends with now or hung out with in college.

I’ve seen on my suggested friends people that I remember being assholes or bitches and I have no desire to even know what they are doing. But what about people in between?

For instance, I joined an alumni for my elementary school just because it seemed like fun at the time. Going through the members I found LB. LB lived 4 houses down from my grandma and rumor has it I beat him up before I was old enough to attend kindergarten. When I switched from private to public school he ended up in my 6th grade class. In retrospect we had that really cute little-boy-and-girl-have-a-crush-on-each-other relationship. We walked home from school together, drew on each others’ notes, drove each other crazy, hit one another and called each other names. Our classmates teased us and we denied “going out”. On one occasion I remember being in class and all the kids around us were being jerks to LB. I remember sticking up for him and when they turned on me he stuck up for me. You have to love 6th grade. There are other micellaneous stories like how I brought him his homework when he was out of school sick and how I would call and hang up on him. You know.

And then he did it, he broke my little girl heart at the end of the year when he asked Michelle R out. (ha she said no!)

We moved onto junior high and then high school. We were acquaintances then since we didn’t hang out in the same crowds. Junior year his locker ended up next to mine. He’d always give me a smile and we’d chit chat occasionally but nothing special. At prom we had our picture taken together, it’s a cute.

So fast forward to present time, I debated for awhile if I should send him a friend request or not. Because really? What the hell does it matter? This is the problem I have with facebook. I don’t befriend anyone and everyone. I have to have some type of connection with them or a reason to want to be friends. LB and I had a connection from years ago but it’s still hard for me to hit send.

It’s not because I’m afraid of what the other person will think of me and I’m not opposed to sharing my facebook-self with others, so what is it?

I think it’s because I’m lacking a reason.

Does anyone else have this problem? Or am I just being neurotic and over thinking it?

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july 4th nostalgia

ria — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:19:49 +0000

This is the time of year I get mega nostalgic. I think way, way too much about the past. I spent the last 5 weeks or so convincing myself that no one thinks about those times as much as me. That everyone’s lives have moved way beyond those memories. MC has a child now and we are all grown ups.

I was wrong.

I’m not the only one that still holds those memories close and that makes my heart lighter. I have a smile on my face that no one can take away this weekend.

In memory of that 4th of July night here are some things you maybe shouldn’t do on the 4th of July (or maybe you should cuz that was a night I sure as hell will never forget):

ditch the people you said you’d hang out with to hang out with cuter guys
use a vacuum attachment for drugs
imitate MTV’s triple kiss
share chips not using hands
do cartwheels down the beach
give feathers “to keep forever”
spin too close to the fire
drink 7 beers in an hour on an empty stomach
get kicked out of a party possibly before the fireworks start (we can’t remember)
jump out of a slowing car to head for the woods
name a bug in the dashboard
have a first kiss with someone special
throw up out the car window
passout in someone’s backseat

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Post tags: memories, neurosis, oscoda

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because we ARE worth it

ria — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 16:38:05 +0000

They say to be copied is the highest form of flattery. So Lily I’m totally copying you! (go visit her blog and say hi, she is FABULOUS)

Lily had this great post about being worth it and how we take ourselves for granted.

L’Oreal had it right when they coined the slogan because I’m worth it, but why is that so hard to grasp?

Why am I holding onto the things that aren’t worth it and thus missing out on the things that actually are? In an effort to nix bad behavior and negative thought processes, I made a bunch of little promises to myself this afternoon because the amount of time I’m absolutely wasting worrying about things beyond my control is no longer acceptable.

~Lily Speak

So I think it’s in order today to pay myself some much needed respect. I promise:

I…

…will travel more

…will seriously consider the 20sb meet-up in June and won’t let C talk me out of it if I can afford it

…will confront my friends who share my secrets behind my back, it would have been much better if you just asked me yourself

…will stop worrying about the past and future and live in the now (cuz you know tomorrow is not promised)

…will not compare myself to other girls

…will stop fantasizing about what-if

…will love those around me fully and remind myself of the reasons why I love them

…will embrace being 5’3 instead of 5’9 and how I hate wearing heels

…will stop obessing over things I can’t control (again copying Lily hehe)

Because I’m worth it!

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just couldn’t do it

ria — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 15:06:21 +0000

So I got freaked out and password protected my video blog. comment or email me for the password

I’m a huge dork!

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tmi?

rialeilani — Thu, 15 May 2008 13:09:23 +0000

I’ve noticed that I haven’t had any neurotic public breakdowns lately. Well, that’s not true, I just haven’t wrote about them. I think the cold end of winter months literally drives me more insane than I am during warmer periods. However, I have had some not so sane thoughts. So why not share…

When I get into a creative mood I wonder if I have split personalities, because if not, why can’t I be creative most of the time instead of small doses
When I get in my car in the morning I wonder if this will be the day my car will explode, break down, get a flat tire
Logically Scooby has allergies, which would explain his eye running, but I asked C if he thought maybe he was going blind (I covered his one eye and moved my index in front of the other, he seems to see fine)
Whenever I eat something I haven’t had in awhile (ie steak) I wonder if it’s going to make me sick
I will be sparring at the tournament on Saturday and all I can picture is someone kicking me in the face and injuring me permanently. I’m driving myself so who will drive me home if I get knocked out?

Ok that’s enough for one day, I assure you there is more where that came from, but I wouldn’t want to scare you away

© rialeilani for & that's the way life goes, 2008. | Permalink | 7 comments | Add to del.icio.us
Post tags: dogs, neurosis, tkd

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i’m sorry for calling you a bitch

rialeilani — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:02:43 +0000

Dear Mother Nature,

Please I beg, please…please…please…

We are making the 3.5 hour road trip up north on Saturday. The crazy weather people were calling for rain/snow/sleet. Ok, I get it, spring is not ready to make a full appearance and winter is still kicking ass. The forecast seems more favorable now, just snow and cold with sleet on Saturday evening. I can handle that, we won’t be driving Saturday evening. It’s the in between stuff that really freaks me out. You know the ICE (ie sleet)?! So I am begging and requesting that the forecast as it is now will be true (unless you have even less precipitation in mind).

Please….

I am truly sorry for referring to you as a bitch numerous times. I take it back, you can be so lovely and powerful.

Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Not a road warrior

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Processes & Pink Parts

rialeilani — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 01:26:35 +0000

I have a purpose for every move I make. Every step I take. ~~I’ll be watching you (haha do you remember that song?).~~ I won’t get up from my desk to take back a file until I have to go to the bathroom. That way there is no energy wasted, I get up walk upstairs to return the file and on my way back to my desk I go pee. I don’t go to the copier until I have something that needs to go downstairs. I don’t walk around my house aimlessly, I pick something up that belongs in the bedroom, walk to the bedroom, put it away and grab something that needs to go back to the kitchen. Getting this? So I had this awesome plan worked out in my head, I know it’s a sickness, I would walk down the street to the ATM to get money out. This way when I came back to my building, I could pay the $1.75 for my mango tea, instead of using my debit card. It also benefited me because I could break the $20 that I would get from the ATM leaving me change in case I needed it tomorrow night at the DAS meeting AND I would also have change for the hair stylist when I get my haircut on Saturday. See the process and neurotic-ness (yes I made my own word)? Well the stupid ATM messed up my entire plan! It was out of money. But I was able to find something of interest for my photo:

Ok, it’s an odd sign…but wait until I tell you what store it’s in front of. The S³ store! If you read my earlier post Safe Sex & Zippers you’ll know what I’m talking about. Gives it new meaning huh?

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Post tags: neurosis, neurotic, photo challenge, process, tea, walk

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Finding Something New to Fret About

rialeilani — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 12:50:00 +0000

It’s no secret that my day isn’t complete without something to worry about. It’s in my genes and runs through my blood. It’s highly unlikely I will go one day without something bothering me. Today, or rather it began last night, was that one day my tire was going explode on the freeway. It began last night because yesterday morning I was too preoccupied with following the icy road to Ann Arbor (and it doesn’t matter which one because I heard they were all horrible). Multiple spin outs, crashes and slow moving (10mph). One spin out shut down a stretch of 94E because the couple got out to inspect the damage (um not a smart thing to do) and another car spun out and grazed the man and hit the wife. She was in critical condition and I haven’t heard anything more about it. How awful! (Now can you see why driving in this can lead to panic attacks, dry mouth and shaking…no? Ok then it’s just me) Even at 11am they shut down the freeway again because of all the accidents due to ice. Needless to say, I was a wreck by the time I got to work 2 hours later. Not only is it intensely distressing but it was the year anniversary of smashing my car. I was mentally exhausted by the time I parked the car but had regained strength or got my second wind by 9pm when I left class. Hence, worrying about the tire exploding since the roads were dry. Hey, it’s close enough to spinning out when there is no ice on the road.

To try and calm myself, I asked C this morning what a tire sounded like before it exploded. He proceeded to answer me by making the crazy gesture (you know the one where you point your finger at your head and rotate it) and no he wasn’t making it at me, apparently he was playing the sound in his head and silently humming…Ok Hunny I can’t hear the voices in your head so that’s NOT helping. So he tried again…same thing: Crazy gesture and opening of the mouth but nothing is coming out. I tried to help him asking him if it was the the high pitched noise your tires sometimes make and he looked at me like I was nuts. C has high frequency hearing loss in one ear (uh huh right…I call it selective hearing because “that’s why he can’t hear me sometimes”) so I told him he probably couldn’t hear that when it happened so never mind. In the end nothing got resolved and I spent my 45 minute commute listening to my tires wondering if today was going to be the day I found out what it sounded like before it happened.

Yes, I know I should really talk to someone about my neurosis…

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