& that's the way life goes

I’m curious to know if you have a person in your life (a friend, relative, acquaintance) that consistently makes you feel like an airhead.  Not on purpose, maybe it’s just my perception of our conversation (even though they are for the most part online). I know I do and  I’m meeting him and his wife while they are in town this week.

I don’t know it’s just like every time I talk to him I read something wrong and respond in a ridiculous way.  I have a feeling this is because…

1. I met him when I was 18.  He is 4 years older than me.
2. We had some downright dirty IM chats for more than a year when I was a student worker.
3. He might have set it up (read called my boss and said he needed help) so I could go into an abandoned office to makeout with him.
4. When I moved back from Florida he became my boss.
5. He gave me a glowing recommendation when I found my current position.

Haha so funny.  Haven’t really thought about that in a long time.  While we are on the subject of old co-workers…

When we picked up the bunkbeds for the cottage it meant driving out to St. Claire Shores.  I haven’t been there since I stopped talking to JT.  JT and I met when at the beginning of freshman year of college.  We worked down the hall from one another as student workers.  We didn’t become closer friends until probably sophomore year.  Long story short we were always trying to get together in a normal relationship kind of way but the universe kept shutting us down.

Our first date was to meet a friend of mine in Canada.  We both got pretty buzzed (when he woke up with a hangover the next day his dad commented that maybe he shouldn’t have drove home…lol) but he refused to kiss me when I dropped him off at his car on campus.  Confused, he later told me because he didn’t want our first kiss to be like that.

I’d have a boyfriend so he would back off and remained friends.  Sometimes it was harder than others but we never hooked up while either of us was in clear relationship status.

I’d take a break from the boyfriend and we would pick back up with the flirting, stealing kisses in empty offices, having sex on a desk after everyone had left for the day (you’ve done that right?!)

This went on for 3-4 years.  We just couldn’t get it to work.  There were a lot of parties, shared cigarette breaks, he was the one I needed a hug from when my mom passed away.  I still remember him opening his arms up to me in the hallway of our office.  We watched each other grow.

We had another co-worker, HP  (6 years our senior), that sat through our little escapades a lot and offered advice.  In her words she was like our big sister <— keep this in mind for the twist in my story –

I met C and we moved to Florida after graduation.  At my first job I had AIM and would chat with my former co-workers.  To this day I can’t put together why I pushed JT on his friendship with HP.  I even went so far as offering the solution of them moving in together because they both wanted to move out.  I kept pushing trying to find out what was going on.  I think deep down I knew they were dating, how I knew is a mystery.

When Florida didn’t work out and I came home, they were dating.  To make it even more awkward, I found out through someone else.  And to add to it, I had taken a temporary position in the same department.

HP was no longer my “big sister”.  She was awkward and rude to me.  I hadn’t done anything.  To this day I can only think that her pushing me away had to do with her guilt.  I found a job 3 months later. After a year or so I emailed her asking if we could do dinner to catch up.  She replied she was going on vacation and she’s get in touch with me when she got back.  She didn’t.

She got deployed and I heard rumors that were confirmed that her and JT had gotten married before she left.  This was 4 years ago.  I’m over the hurt I felt, the betrayal and the shunning. A piece of me still wants to reach out, make peace and catch up. She was a huge part of my life.

What would you do? Let it go? Put yourself out there and send an email?

*After writing it out and reading a few of the comments I received I realized that I don’t actually want to connect with her.  Maybe I’m just being nosy.  I want to know what the two of them are up to. *

Surviving Taekwondo Testing 101

I get performance anxiety BAD.  (you need an example?) Like I want to throw up or curl up into the fetal position and suck my thumb.  Having gone through multiple testing sessions now I’ve learned some tricks on keeping the panic under control.

Deep Breaths – Since I was last to go at everything today I spent a lot of time sitting in lotus position inhaling and exhaling deeply

Observe – While lower belts are demonstrating their poomsaes I quietly whisper each move they are making

Focus – The kids are adorable and it’s amazing how much they learn in a matter of months

Zone the Fuck Out – C told me afterward that he wasn’t sure if even he (the extrovert) would be able to stand in front of all the Masters and parents/families that make up the audience.  He also said that while I was standing in front of the Masters answering questions I looked like I was zoned out or stoned on Xanax.  Whatever works kids, you better believe I’m going to do it.

I did have a slight mess up on the last poomsae* they asked me to perform, but after 150 pushups, 50 situps, 50 roundhouse kicks (50 each side) on my dad’s back, 5 instances of self defense, One-Steps* and question answering I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

All that was on top of the 2 hours of warm ups and combination kicks that I had done with the class.

My blackbelt will come from Korea, embroidered with my name with one gold strip on the tip to represent 1st dan.  You bet you will see a picture!  When I get the pictures from KW from her Canon Rebel I’ll be putting some up.   C took a few but he didn’t change the setting and they didn’t come out very well.

And this happens to be a pretty good shot of my first tattoo I got on my 25th birthday in Honolulu.

{Malia is Maria in Hawaiian}

*I realize you have no idea what some of these things are, all you need to know is that it’s work. lol

I’m participating in Gwen Ball’s Best of 09!

December 8’s question:

Moment of peace.

I went through my pictures, because that is how I remember what my year was about. I guess if it’s not documented on “film” it’s didn’t happen. LOL

Of course I found a couple pictures that were peaceful to me and I might use them on my family blog.  You guys get the “juicy” stuff.  Riiigghhhttt.

Anyhow, my moment of peace came in the email that I referenced.   In the time it took me to read the email I felt peace.  I had come to terms with a lot of things in my life.  I did not however take a picture of myself at that moment, but writing and words are almost as good as pictures.  (Sometimes they are SO much better!)

alternatively titled 'wanna say hey' - produced by wordle.net

I need something from you guys.  Either

A. A new brain that actually can remember shit

or

B. Lots of positive thoughts and good luck things.

I’m going to bomb my midterm tonight.  I tried studying all weekend but every time I take the practice tests I’m averaging like 10/20.  Seriously?! I’ve been to every class.  I also know there is going to be over 100 questions and I swear I have ADD I can’t concentrate that long.  I just start skimming things and I can’t wait for it to be over.

I’m so scared for tonight.  I’ve never actually failed a test before.  But there is a first time for everything.

OMG cue the panic attack…

Yesterday I asked the Twitter world, “if you could send an email to get closure on an issue you had been dealing with for months would you send it or would you suck it up and keep trying to let the issues go”.

I sent the email yesterday.  After months of trying just to let the issue go I decided that there comes a time where I don’t have to put my feelings away and that it’s ok to let them be known.  Why should I have to bottle everything up inside?

I know that my email will go unanswered and in all honesty I don’t expect a response.  There is really nothing for the other party to say.

Coincidentally my horoscope for today,

You are going to come to terms with an estranged loved one, friend or relative today. You may or may not physically meet, but your own experiences will provide you with a new point of view on someone else’s actions. You just had different hopes and dreams was all.

I am so glad it’s Friday but I’m also really stressed out about my homework and my midterm coming up.  So much so that I’m having dreams about not being able to complete my homework because I don’t understand.  In all fairness though, I haven’t exactly read the chapter yet and I’m holding onto hope that if I read it everything will magically make sense.  I’m not too sure about that though.

I don’t have any plans for the weekend besides reading 4  chapters and completing the work.  My house could use a good cleaning and I think I’d like to bake something.

What are you up to?

Oh and I’ve been meaning to write this because it’s a little crazy.  After I posted about Landon I realized I hadn’t talked to J in awhile so I texted him.  His response was, “that is so weird I was just thinking about you and I had a dream about you last night!”.

A little weird huh?

Well that afternoon I for some reason searched Landon’s name on Facebook and someone had created an account for him.  I honestly was a little creeped out by it because it’s like he’s still here.  I would have been much less disturbed by it if it was a fan page or something.

Wait this gets even more interesting.

So while I was at tae kwon do that night LP sends me a message and tells me that she was looking at her friend Courtney’s page and she noticed that one of her friends was Landon, thus finding Landon’s facebook page too.

It’s just crazy that in one day Landon came up numerous times.

One last thing.  I’m going to try and take a break from facebook because, daaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnggggggg, it makes me more neurotic than I normally am!

Happy Friday!

I’m going to apologize for asking this question before I ask it.

I’m sorry.

.

.

.

What is the point of facebook?

Wait, wait. Before you get all “it’s to connect with people” on me, let me explain my conflicting feelings.

I only send friend requests to people that I know and people that I knew and had a friendship with and we’ve lost touch.  In no way do I want to get involved in the I have 300 friends and am SO cool game.  So I send requests to people in high school I sat with at lunch or remember chatting with in class.  And let me tell you for those people facebook is great. And I friend people that I’m friends with now or hung out with in college.

I’ve seen on my suggested friends people that I remember being assholes or bitches and I have no desire to even know what they are doing.  But what about people in between?

For instance, I joined an alumni for my elementary school just because it seemed like fun at the time.  Going through the members I found LB.  LB lived 4 houses down from my grandma and rumor has it I beat him up before I was old enough to attend kindergarten.  When I switched from private to public school he ended up in my 6th grade class.  In retrospect we had that really cute little-boy-and-girl-have-a-crush-on-each-other relationship.  We walked home from school together, drew on each others’ notes, drove each other crazy, hit one another and called each other names.  Our classmates teased us and we denied “going out”.  On one occasion I remember being in class and all the kids around us were being jerks to LB.  I remember sticking up for him and when they turned on me he stuck up for me.   You have to love 6th grade.  There are other micellaneous stories like how I brought him his homework when he was out of school sick and how I would call and hang up on him.  You know.

And then he did it, he broke my little girl heart at the end of the year when he asked Michelle R out.  (ha she said no!)

We moved onto junior high and then high school.  We were acquaintances then since we didn’t hang out in the same crowds.  Junior year his locker ended up next to mine.  He’d always give me a smile and we’d chit chat occasionally but nothing special.   At prom we had our picture taken together, it’s a cute.

So fast forward to present time, I debated for awhile if I should send him a friend request or not.  Because really? What the hell does it matter?   This is the problem I have with facebook.  I don’t befriend anyone and everyone.  I have to have some type of connection with them or a reason to want to be friends.  LB and I had a connection from years ago but it’s still hard for me to hit send.

It’s not because I’m afraid of what the other person will  think of me and I’m not opposed to sharing my facebook-self with others, so what is it?

I think it’s because I’m lacking a reason.

Does anyone else have this problem?  Or am I just being neurotic and over thinking it?

…don’t know what to do, next thing you turn around and find the person is you. ~311

I think Amy might have said it best, “and seriously, the world mocks everyone”

I finally get to a place where I’m ok where certain things left off.  I’ve gone through sadness, anger and hurt to understanding.  To building up that wall again to keep me safe.  As soon as that last cement stone is in place the one thing that can bring it all down happens.

I’m not as neurotic now as this used to make me.  Maybe I’m becoming immune to it.  It seems whenever I give up hope and realize that it’s for the best the universe turns around and throws me a curveball to knock me of f  my feet.  This last one, though I did wobble a bit, I kept standing.

Of course I have the usual questions but oddly I kind of feel calm.  Where I had doubts I don’t doubt anymore.  I’m ready to let this play out however the cards will fall.  And to be honest?  I think it will be in my favor.

It really is bittersweet.  And on the positive side it leaves me knowing that I’m not insane (and never really was).  And that is a good thing right?

This is the time of year I get mega nostalgic. I think way, way too much about the past.  I spent the last 5 weeks or so convincing myself that no one thinks about those times as much as me. That everyone’s lives have moved way beyond those memories. MC has a child now and we are all grown ups.

I was wrong.

I’m not the only one that still holds those memories close and that makes my heart lighter. I have a smile on my face that no one can take away this weekend.

In memory of that 4th of July night here are some things you maybe shouldn’t do on the 4th of July (or maybe you should cuz that was a night I sure as hell will never forget):

• ditch the people you said you’d hang out with to hang out with cuter guys
• use a vacuum attachment for drugs
• imitate MTV’s triple kiss
• share chips not using hands
• do cartwheels down the beach
• give feathers “to keep forever”
• spin too close to the fire
• drink 7 beers in an hour on an empty stomach
• get kicked out of a party possibly before the fireworks start (we can’t remember)
• jump out of a slowing car to head for the woods
• name a bug in the dashboard
• have a first kiss with someone special
• throw up out the car window
• passout in someone’s backseat

They say to be copied is the highest form of flattery.  So Lily I’m totally copying you! (go visit her blog and say hi, she is FABULOUS)

Lily had this great post about being worth it and how we take ourselves for granted.

L’Oreal had it right when they coined the slogan because I’m worth it, but why is that so hard to grasp?

Why am I holding onto the things that aren’t worth it and thus missing out on the things that actually are?  In an effort to nix bad behavior and negative thought processes, I made a bunch of little promises to myself this afternoon because the amount of time I’m absolutely wasting worrying about things beyond my control is no longer acceptable.

~Lily Speak

So I think it’s in order today to pay myself some much needed respect.  I promise:

I…

…will travel more

…will seriously consider the 20sb meet-up in June and won’t let C talk me out of it if I can afford it

…will confront my friends who share my secrets behind my back, it would have been much better if you just asked me yourself

…will stop worrying about the past and future and live in the now (cuz you know tomorrow is not promised)

…will not compare myself to other girls

…will stop fantasizing about what-if

…will love those around me fully and remind myself of the reasons why I love them

…will embrace being 5′3 instead of 5′9 and how I hate wearing heels

…will stop obessing over things I can’t control (again copying Lily hehe)

Because I’m worth it!

So I got freaked out and password protected my video blog. comment or email me for the password

I’m a huge dork!