& that's the way life goes

Surviving Taekwondo Testing 101

I get performance anxiety BAD.  (you need an example?) Like I want to throw up or curl up into the fetal position and suck my thumb.  Having gone through multiple testing sessions now I’ve learned some tricks on keeping the panic under control.

Deep Breaths – Since I was last to go at everything today I spent a lot of time sitting in lotus position inhaling and exhaling deeply

Observe – While lower belts are demonstrating their poomsaes I quietly whisper each move they are making

Focus – The kids are adorable and it’s amazing how much they learn in a matter of months

Zone the Fuck Out – C told me afterward that he wasn’t sure if even he (the extrovert) would be able to stand in front of all the Masters and parents/families that make up the audience.  He also said that while I was standing in front of the Masters answering questions I looked like I was zoned out or stoned on Xanax.  Whatever works kids, you better believe I’m going to do it.

I did have a slight mess up on the last poomsae* they asked me to perform, but after 150 pushups, 50 situps, 50 roundhouse kicks (50 each side) on my dad’s back, 5 instances of self defense, One-Steps* and question answering I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

All that was on top of the 2 hours of warm ups and combination kicks that I had done with the class.

My blackbelt will come from Korea, embroidered with my name with one gold strip on the tip to represent 1st dan.  You bet you will see a picture!  When I get the pictures from KW from her Canon Rebel I’ll be putting some up.   C took a few but he didn’t change the setting and they didn’t come out very well.

And this happens to be a pretty good shot of my first tattoo I got on my 25th birthday in Honolulu.

{Malia is Maria in Hawaiian}

*I realize you have no idea what some of these things are, all you need to know is that it’s work. lol

I need something from you guys.  Either

A. A new brain that actually can remember shit

or

B. Lots of positive thoughts and good luck things.

I’m going to bomb my midterm tonight.  I tried studying all weekend but every time I take the practice tests I’m averaging like 10/20.  Seriously?! I’ve been to every class.  I also know there is going to be over 100 questions and I swear I have ADD I can’t concentrate that long.  I just start skimming things and I can’t wait for it to be over.

I’m so scared for tonight.  I’ve never actually failed a test before.  But there is a first time for everything.

OMG cue the panic attack…

I’m going to apologize for asking this question before I ask it.

I’m sorry.

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What is the point of facebook?

Wait, wait. Before you get all “it’s to connect with people” on me, let me explain my conflicting feelings.

I only send friend requests to people that I know and people that I knew and had a friendship with and we’ve lost touch.  In no way do I want to get involved in the I have 300 friends and am SO cool game.  So I send requests to people in high school I sat with at lunch or remember chatting with in class.  And let me tell you for those people facebook is great. And I friend people that I’m friends with now or hung out with in college.

I’ve seen on my suggested friends people that I remember being assholes or bitches and I have no desire to even know what they are doing.  But what about people in between?

For instance, I joined an alumni for my elementary school just because it seemed like fun at the time.  Going through the members I found LB.  LB lived 4 houses down from my grandma and rumor has it I beat him up before I was old enough to attend kindergarten.  When I switched from private to public school he ended up in my 6th grade class.  In retrospect we had that really cute little-boy-and-girl-have-a-crush-on-each-other relationship.  We walked home from school together, drew on each others’ notes, drove each other crazy, hit one another and called each other names.  Our classmates teased us and we denied “going out”.  On one occasion I remember being in class and all the kids around us were being jerks to LB.  I remember sticking up for him and when they turned on me he stuck up for me.   You have to love 6th grade.  There are other micellaneous stories like how I brought him his homework when he was out of school sick and how I would call and hang up on him.  You know.

And then he did it, he broke my little girl heart at the end of the year when he asked Michelle R out.  (ha she said no!)

We moved onto junior high and then high school.  We were acquaintances then since we didn’t hang out in the same crowds.  Junior year his locker ended up next to mine.  He’d always give me a smile and we’d chit chat occasionally but nothing special.   At prom we had our picture taken together, it’s a cute.

So fast forward to present time, I debated for awhile if I should send him a friend request or not.  Because really? What the hell does it matter?   This is the problem I have with facebook.  I don’t befriend anyone and everyone.  I have to have some type of connection with them or a reason to want to be friends.  LB and I had a connection from years ago but it’s still hard for me to hit send.

It’s not because I’m afraid of what the other person will  think of me and I’m not opposed to sharing my facebook-self with others, so what is it?

I think it’s because I’m lacking a reason.

Does anyone else have this problem?  Or am I just being neurotic and over thinking it?

This is the time of year I get mega nostalgic. I think way, way too much about the past.  I spent the last 5 weeks or so convincing myself that no one thinks about those times as much as me. That everyone’s lives have moved way beyond those memories. MC has a child now and we are all grown ups.

I was wrong.

I’m not the only one that still holds those memories close and that makes my heart lighter. I have a smile on my face that no one can take away this weekend.

In memory of that 4th of July night here are some things you maybe shouldn’t do on the 4th of July (or maybe you should cuz that was a night I sure as hell will never forget):

• ditch the people you said you’d hang out with to hang out with cuter guys
• use a vacuum attachment for drugs
• imitate MTV’s triple kiss
• share chips not using hands
• do cartwheels down the beach
• give feathers “to keep forever”
• spin too close to the fire
• drink 7 beers in an hour on an empty stomach
• get kicked out of a party possibly before the fireworks start (we can’t remember)
• jump out of a slowing car to head for the woods
• name a bug in the dashboard
• have a first kiss with someone special
• throw up out the car window
• passout in someone’s backseat

They say to be copied is the highest form of flattery.  So Lily I’m totally copying you! (go visit her blog and say hi, she is FABULOUS)

Lily had this great post about being worth it and how we take ourselves for granted.

L’Oreal had it right when they coined the slogan because I’m worth it, but why is that so hard to grasp?

Why am I holding onto the things that aren’t worth it and thus missing out on the things that actually are?  In an effort to nix bad behavior and negative thought processes, I made a bunch of little promises to myself this afternoon because the amount of time I’m absolutely wasting worrying about things beyond my control is no longer acceptable.

~Lily Speak

So I think it’s in order today to pay myself some much needed respect.  I promise:

I…

…will travel more

…will seriously consider the 20sb meet-up in June and won’t let C talk me out of it if I can afford it

…will confront my friends who share my secrets behind my back, it would have been much better if you just asked me yourself

…will stop worrying about the past and future and live in the now (cuz you know tomorrow is not promised)

…will not compare myself to other girls

…will stop fantasizing about what-if

…will love those around me fully and remind myself of the reasons why I love them

…will embrace being 5’3 instead of 5’9 and how I hate wearing heels

…will stop obessing over things I can’t control (again copying Lily hehe)

Because I’m worth it!