& that's the way life goes

I’m going to apologize for asking this question before I ask it.

I’m sorry.

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What is the point of facebook?

Wait, wait. Before you get all “it’s to connect with people” on me, let me explain my conflicting feelings.

I only send friend requests to people that I know and people that I knew and had a friendship with and we’ve lost touch.  In no way do I want to get involved in the I have 300 friends and am SO cool game.  So I send requests to people in high school I sat with at lunch or remember chatting with in class.  And let me tell you for those people facebook is great. And I friend people that I’m friends with now or hung out with in college.

I’ve seen on my suggested friends people that I remember being assholes or bitches and I have no desire to even know what they are doing.  But what about people in between?

For instance, I joined an alumni for my elementary school just because it seemed like fun at the time.  Going through the members I found LB.  LB lived 4 houses down from my grandma and rumor has it I beat him up before I was old enough to attend kindergarten.  When I switched from private to public school he ended up in my 6th grade class.  In retrospect we had that really cute little-boy-and-girl-have-a-crush-on-each-other relationship.  We walked home from school together, drew on each others’ notes, drove each other crazy, hit one another and called each other names.  Our classmates teased us and we denied “going out”.  On one occasion I remember being in class and all the kids around us were being jerks to LB.  I remember sticking up for him and when they turned on me he stuck up for me.   You have to love 6th grade.  There are other micellaneous stories like how I brought him his homework when he was out of school sick and how I would call and hang up on him.  You know.

And then he did it, he broke my little girl heart at the end of the year when he asked Michelle R out.  (ha she said no!)

We moved onto junior high and then high school.  We were acquaintances then since we didn’t hang out in the same crowds.  Junior year his locker ended up next to mine.  He’d always give me a smile and we’d chit chat occasionally but nothing special.   At prom we had our picture taken together, it’s a cute.

So fast forward to present time, I debated for awhile if I should send him a friend request or not.  Because really? What the hell does it matter?   This is the problem I have with facebook.  I don’t befriend anyone and everyone.  I have to have some type of connection with them or a reason to want to be friends.  LB and I had a connection from years ago but it’s still hard for me to hit send.

It’s not because I’m afraid of what the other person will  think of me and I’m not opposed to sharing my facebook-self with others, so what is it?

I think it’s because I’m lacking a reason.

Does anyone else have this problem?  Or am I just being neurotic and over thinking it?

…don’t know what to do, next thing you turn around and find the person is you. ~311

I think Amy might have said it best, “and seriously, the world mocks everyone”

I finally get to a place where I’m ok where certain things left off.  I’ve gone through sadness, anger and hurt to understanding.  To building up that wall again to keep me safe.  As soon as that last cement stone is in place the one thing that can bring it all down happens.

I’m not as neurotic now as this used to make me.  Maybe I’m becoming immune to it.  It seems whenever I give up hope and realize that it’s for the best the universe turns around and throws me a curveball to knock me of f  my feet.  This last one, though I did wobble a bit, I kept standing.

Of course I have the usual questions but oddly I kind of feel calm.  Where I had doubts I don’t doubt anymore.  I’m ready to let this play out however the cards will fall.  And to be honest?  I think it will be in my favor.

It really is bittersweet.  And on the positive side it leaves me knowing that I’m not insane (and never really was).  And that is a good thing right?