I get performance anxiety BAD.  (you need an example?) Like I want to throw up or curl up into the fetal position and suck my thumb.  Having gone through multiple testing sessions now I’ve learned some tricks on keeping the panic under control.

Deep Breaths – Since I was last to go at everything today I spent a lot of time sitting in lotus position inhaling and exhaling deeply

Observe – While lower belts are demonstrating their poomsaes I quietly whisper each move they are making

Focus – The kids are adorable and it’s amazing how much they learn in a matter of months

Zone the Fuck Out – C told me afterward that he wasn’t sure if even he (the extrovert) would be able to stand in front of all the Masters and parents/families that make up the audience.  He also said that while I was standing in front of the Masters answering questions I looked like I was zoned out or stoned on Xanax.  Whatever works kids, you better believe I’m going to do it.

I did have a slight mess up on the last poomsae* they asked me to perform, but after 150 pushups, 50 situps, 50 roundhouse kicks (50 each side) on my dad’s back, 5 instances of self defense, One-Steps* and question answering I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

All that was on top of the 2 hours of warm ups and combination kicks that I had done with the class.

My blackbelt will come from Korea, embroidered with my name with one gold strip on the tip to represent 1st dan.  You bet you will see a picture!  When I get the pictures from KW from her Canon Rebel I’ll be putting some up.   C took a few but he didn’t change the setting and they didn’t come out very well.

And this happens to be a pretty good shot of my first tattoo I got on my 25th birthday in Honolulu.

{Malia is Maria in Hawaiian}

*I realize you have no idea what some of these things are, all you need to know is that it’s work. lol

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Post tags: hawaii, neurosis, omg i might panic, tattoo

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Maybe it’s because my parents met there.

Maybe it’s because my middle name is Hawaiian.

Maybe it’s because it’s my parent’s favorite place and the love was passed down to me.

Maybe it’s because of the mana of the islands.

Maybe it’s because of its beauty.

Maybe it’s because of the people

Maybe it’s because I only have wonderful memories of my times there.

Whatever it is, I’m homesick.  I’m craving the sweet scent of the islands, the warmth on my skin, the sensory overload.

Can someone send me back ‘home’?

© rialeilani 2008

© rialeilani 2008

© rialeilani 2008

© rialeilani 2007

© rialeilani 2007

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Post tags: hawaii

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I put the thoughts away after I come back to reality from vacation, but they always float back to the surface. I crave the reminders of my time in Hawaii. My greedy hands turning the pages in my scrapbook, focusing in on the scenery and the feelings I had instead of the picture itself.

I haven’t traveled the world as much as I would like to, but I’ve never had a place touch my soul like Hawaii has. Every time I’ve gotten off the plane in this paradise, the sense of homecoming and warmth embraces me. Like a grandmother’s hug when she welcomes you.

I can picture myself living a completely different life there. Poorer, probably, but content. I feel blessed that C feels the same connection with the islands and maybe one day we’ll take the plunge. I’m constantly searching for peace and enlightenment. I don’t feel the pressure as much there. The natural beauty is enough to soothe the soul of doubts about what is real and what is not. It takes over me, slowing time and worries.

Feeling this and writing this seems silly unless you’ve been touched by a place, as I’ve been touched by Hawaii.

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So if you are bored here are some pics of what I’ve accomplished:

Check out the rest on my flickr page —->

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Post tags: creativity, hawaii, honeymoon, kauai, memories, scrapbooking, wedding

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When I think about our wedding the first thing that I think of is warmth. From the sun, from our family and friends (17 people who really love us or just needed an excuse for a Hawaiian escape), and from the natural energy of the island. The smell of the brilliant flowers on my head and bouquet, the (plumeria) leis we bought our guests and the spider flowers that I was given for the girls to wear in their hair. (June and Linda were kind enough to ignore my bridezilla stress and picked up the leis on the way to help me get ready. They also came bearing snacks of fruit, crackers and cheese. At the ceremony where Amanda graciously handed the leis out. And the owner of the cottage we were renting went to her neighbors to get the spider flowers. BLESS THEM!) It should be mentioned as a side note that maybe everything was sparkley and great because I also had a couple mimosas and half a xanax .

I think I might be dreaming about my wedding again because February is a time of darkness and bad memories. The sun barely comes out and when it does it’s usually below zero. Stupid Winter! And stupid people for living in such cold, forbidding places. It used to be ok you could say “but I have a good job” but after the fall of the Big 3 and the loss of Pfizer and other large companies Michigan is just a sad place. In my city, which is close to Dearborn and other suburban cities that housed many of the workers that were bought out or laid off, there are boatloads of foreclosed homes. What’s really sick is that if my parents wouldn’t have moved back to Michigan I could be sunning myself on the shores of Hawaii. I swear I will never forgive them for the mistake they made almost 3o years ago! Moving from Honolulu to Detroit so my mom could be closer to her family. Pshhh!

Can you imagine who I could have been if I would have grown up in Hawaii. I could be a pro surfer right now. Or an authentic hula dancer (would my legs hurt as bad as they do now from dancing?), oceanographer, fluent in Tagalog, graduate of the University of Hawaii. In truth, I wanted to transfer to U of H in my sophomore year at Wayne State. I requested the course catalog and application. But by this time my Mom was sick and I couldn’t imagine being so far away from home (couldn’t we have at least lived in Cali?). See! If they would have never left I wouldn’t have had that dilemma! Never living it down!

I guess it’s ok though. My life has been pretty amazing even though I tend to complain about it. If I grew up in Hawaii I probably wouldn’t have had my wedding there (um yeah I would have, duh) and I wouldn’t have met C (he’s pretty great), and I probably wouldn’t have found a passion for TKD (though it might have been channeled into something even cooler like surfing…if it wasn’t for those damn sharks).

I still tease my dad about leaving Hawaii. I often wonder if he’d ever want to move back. When we got back in January he asked us when we were moving. Maybe secretly he wanted to move with us. Who can blame him? The sun is warm, the people are friendly, and to me it always feels like home.

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Post tags: family, friends, hawaii, kauai, memories, wedding

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