& that's the way life goes

YAY! It’s over and I got through it with the help of a small pill called Xanax…well it wasn’t specifically Xanax but an anti anxiety pill. I’m not too proud to say I needed it. It helped immensely today and I plan on using them for every testing. I still messed up a couple times but I wasn’t as horrified and instead of just completely stopping and trying to start over I worked my way through it. I’m not advocating medication and I wish I didn’t need it, but I do and I can accept that.

Sorry the pic quality sucks!

Oh and a pat on the back to myself: 2 of the Master’s commented on my excellent form and techniques. I believe the wording was “the best in the class”. Of course it wasn’t said in front of everyone, just casually as I was getting ready to leave. C♥ & Auntie J heard them )

My breathing becomes irregular and my heart beats rapidly in my chest. I blow out a breath of air and try to concentrate. I must be concentrating too hard because everything in my mind goes blank. I start to break out into a cold sweat, it’s harder to breathe and I’m afraid my heart is going to pound out of my chest. Too many people staring at me, watching me, expecting excellence from me. Instead I completely fail with only 3 more steps to go. This happens 5 times. Not once or even twice but 5 times. I’m mortified when I finally finish but I try not to hang my head in shame. I keep my head high and walk to the back. If I’m not feeling bad enough the f*cking asshole in class has to comment. I hold back tears, traumatized by the whole event. A half hour later I left the dojo and cried when I got home. (and an hour after that I got drunk from one margarita HAHA) So 3 months later why am I doing it again?

It’s belt testing time again at Tae Kwon Do. In front of all the parents, 2 Masters, Grandmaster, his wife (also a black belt, I’m not sure what degree) and my Master/Instructor (my dad a 4th degree black belt). I know all the blocking sets, kicks, stances, sparring, and I really do know my form. I can do it in my head and in class on cue, but when it comes to all those people staring, watching I choke. Last time one of the Master’s spoke up for me saying I was nervous (I’m always nervous) while my dad laughed. I think he laughs because I just embarrassed him and he’s not sure what else to do. He also tells me I choke all the time. He doesn’t do it to be mean, really, I think he thinks I’m like him and the harder I’m pushed the more likely I will be succeed. C♥ is like that too. But I’m too sensitive to be pushed to succeed. I need loving, gentle support to succeed not someone demanding that I do it.

I’m not outwardly competitive but I’m extremely competitive with myself in my mind. Which is why, 3 months later, I’m going to do it again. Because maybe this time it will be different. But the fear of “maybe it won’t” scares the shit out of me. Can I face the humiliation again and hold back tears? I think not. Any advice on blocking people out so I can relax enough to demonstrate my form without choking?