& that's the way life goes

I’ve got a secret…

I’m having a love affair.  S is sweet, always there and never lets me down.  When I’m having a bad day S is there to pick me up and calm my nerves.  S and I met a few times but I didn’t realize what an effect S had on me.  But over the summer we’ve formed an amazing relationship.  It’s fun and relaxing, everything that I need.  I’m sure that everyone should have their own S.

S as in Sangria

Haha!

I can’t sleep. There is a lot of stuff going on in my head.  I found an old journal from when I first started dating C. The pain of losing my mom is so fresh and raw in my entries it brings back the pain and uncertainty. I was trying so hard just to get my feelings out.  At the back was an email I wrote to myself and printed out.

It solidifies my belief that we are who we are. We don’t change as much as we think we do.  Here are the last couple sentences…

Dated July 15, 2004

How was I able to cope with losing a boyfriend,  a dog (who I loved so much), and most of all my mother. Where is this strength I conjured up now? Why do I feel all alone in this messy situation I got myself into.  Life is a bitch and then you die. May the afterlife be simplier and pleasant for all mankind,  including animals.

Clearly right now I’m not dealing with losing a boyfriend and a dog (please no), but the rest of what I wrote hits a familiar cord.  I don’t know where my strength is now and I’m not sure I ended up where I am or how to make things right after everything that’s been said. 

My other entries talked about my worry for my dad and his financials. Like I said, some things just don’t change.  As much as I’d like to say I learned and grew from past experiences sometimes it feels like I make the same mistakes over and over again. Which in turn makes me go through the backlash another time.

Maybe now I can sleep.

PS…totally posted from my phone.geeked out!

I was crazy happy this morning. I got up and had this whole post I wanted to write. And then I got ridiculously obsessive and crabby and it all went out the window.

So instead of my fiercely awesome post you get this

{from Stuff No One Told Me, thanks Jenni!}

So terribly true!

Last night at tkd my dad told me he was leaving and I needed to teach class.  When I asked why he said it was because he pulled an all nighter.  Yes people, my dad can hang better than me and pull all nighters.

When FPD asked why he was leaving he told him because he pulled an all nighter and FPD proceeded to ask if it was with his girlfriend.

Um hello…I’m sitting right there.  I DO NOT need to know this.

My dad laughs and says it’s because he was up all night finishing painting but wishes it would have been with his girlfriend.

Bleach. I need bleach for my ears, eyes and mind.  Seriously.

Some dreams are just so good that you don’t want to wake up.

heh

There are days when I want to scream at the top of my lungs,

When you see my face I hope it gives you hell

All American Rejects, Gives you Hell

For no reason really except it makes me feel good.  Like sticking up my middle finger up at past people.   It’s always a treat when it comes on the radio. 

Is there a song that you like to yell on occasion?

I have approximately 2 things on my mind:

Making out with strangers that have cute accents

Cameras (especially the ones from Urban Outfitters)

oh and

I might actually get a birthday cake this year.  LP and I are going up north this weekend and I think she might make me one.  Yay!

Three years ago today C and I got married, on my parents anniversary, on a beach on Hanalei Bay, Kauai.

Three years ago I had no idea what it actually meant to be married.  It couldn’t be much different than living together, right?

Wrong.

In the past 3 years I’ve gone through a lot of emotions.  I won’t lie and say most of them were good, I’d say it was 60% good and 40% bad.  I think it took me 3 years to adjust to being married.  To being attached to someone and  having to share almost everything with another person.  I think we do a good job of staying true to ourselves and keeping our separate identities.

When you get married everyone tells you it isn’t all fun and games and they can talk until they are blue in the face.  It’s one of those life things that you have no idea what it’s going to be like until you actually do it and are immersed in it.  You can’t plan for the fights or what they will be like, or even what they will be about.  Some are pretty petty and stupid but a fight all the same.  It’s amazing how fast you can go from a feeling of pure adoration to ‘omg I might hate you right this moment”.  But it’s because of the fights and aggravation that you can fully appreciate the moments (big or tiny) when you are laughing together and you think life is good and you feel completely content.

There have been numerous ups and downs.  Life events that changed us both.  But we’ve made it this far and because of that I think we’ll survive this societal thing called marriage.  I still have a hard time signing my married name.  It isn’t me. Yet. Or maybe I’ve always had a problem writing ‘ch’ in cursive, I have no idea.  No one can prepare you for marriage.  But I can tell you that you do build strong bonds in everything you go through as a couple.  C and I, we may be complete opposites, but it works for us.

I’m so thankful that we’ve stuck through everything together.  There are many times I’d like to punch him in the face, but lucky for him there are more moments of us laughing together to make it all worthwhile.

I’m not that great at being all smooshy.  And I’m not one to tell you all the nice, thoughtful things he does for me.  So just know that he is awesome and I’m lucky

stolen from Paul's pics on FB

I was at aerial yoga and I witnessed something that annoys me like woah (do people still say that? No? I’m stuck in 1999? Ok, then.).  There was this girl and she was irritated we started on the trapeze because she was getting callouses.  Which makes me wonder, why are you doing aerial yoga?  The point is to get callouses so it doesn’t hurt as bad to do tricks…Anyhow, so that was annoyance number 1.  She went on to complain that because of the callouses her wedding ring didn’t fit.

Waaaaa…Waaaa…Waaaa…Who’s forcing you to be here?

Annoyance number 2 is something bigger and one of my biggest pet peeves ever.  Her husband comes with her and sits with his little laptop.  It’s not like he comes to see her awesomeness, no he sits in his little chair with his wireless antenna.  The only excuse that would be acceptable is if she couldn’t drive.  So if that’s why, ok I’ll give her a pass and even apologize.  If not, well then, What. The. Fuck.

I’ve never understood couples that are joined at the hip having to do EVERYTHING together.  If my opinion, and hello that’s the only one that counts right now, it’s unhealthy.   I can’t imagine spending every waking hour with C that I’m not working.  I’m pretty sure someone would be dead.  We have our own hobbies and interests.  You won’t catch me anywhere near the Michigan Speedway, unless the Indy Racing League decided to come back to town.

It’s written in stone that I never have to ask for permission to go somewhere or do something.  Of course I’ll give C the common courtesy of letting him know what I’m doing, even going so far as putting it in our synced calendar.  He laughs when the reminder for aerial yoga goes off.

I don’t know, I just needed to get that off my chest.  If you’re that girl from aerial yoga reading, I’m sorry I used you as an example but you are the most recent  case I’ve encountered.

I’m a pretty confident girl.  Sure, I have my days where I feel disgusting but for the most part I don’t complain.  Of course I check out other girls but I never feel a real jealousy.  I think she’s pretty and move on, we all have our positive attributes.

With the exception of this one girl.  I don’t even know her, she’s an ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend/fiance and every time I see her picture my confidence deflates.  (Thank you Facebook!) I know how ridiculous this sounds.  Believe me. She’s the kind of girl that makes me want to starve myself and eat a container of chocolate chip cookies simultaneously to make myself feel better.  Since I have no willpower to give up  food, I usually end up doing the latter.  She’s tall (5′9) and slender, something that I will never, ever be.  Clearly, by now I’m done growing topping off at 5′3 and I’m not built to be slender.  I’d classify myself as athletic and not just because I play sports. She’s probably graceful and not a huge klutz like me. You get the picture…

I guess on the bright side whenever I’m feeling way too happy or good about myself , I know how to get rid of my big head.

Do you ever feel this way? Why? Who? I’m not the only one, right?

Ok, I will be honest.  I don’t think it’s just her looks, I am pretty sure know there is more to my neurosis but I’m not comfortable letting all that out in a public forum.