& that's the way life goes

Pieces of Me – September 2010

I like:

another girls weekend † quiet time at home † exciting plans in the making † sangria † reminiscing † being made dinner † passing a test † gilmore girls

I don’t like:

being afraid of failure † summer ending † standardized testing † planning in advance

I want you to know:

That I’m seriously thinking of taking the GRE for grad school before the end of the year.  This scares me but I think it’s something I need to do.  I never thought I’d go to graduate school but never say never, right?

I’ve planned:

To start studying after Labor Day weekend.

I want to say to someone special:

Life is full of good and bad things.  It’s better and more productive to focus on the good stuff.

*Thanks for the toothfairy for starting this

Things I don’t get:

• Black bridesmaids dresses for a July beach wedding
• Living up to other people’s expectations instead of your own
• My obsession with lime green accessories – my etsy favorites is overflowing
• Why the past 3 times I’ve been up north it’s rained every Saturday and this weekend when I absolutely can’t go, it’s going to be Sunny and 80’s.
• Where my fear of failure came from
• All the junk mail I get
• When I leave my phone at home I actually sit and think about what I could be checking if I had it with me – I had just run to the gas station.  This is a problem.
• Why my face is suddenly breaking out like a teenage girl

And to end on a good note…

Things I’m loving:

meeting up with Lauryn and Jenni † crystal earrings that came from New Zealand † iced tea † low humidity † wearing jeans † putting myself out there † speaking my mind † letting go † awesome friends † rescue me on netflix † gilmore girls † new possibilities

{song lyrics: Taio Cruz, Dyanmite}

There are things I don’t want to talk about right now.  Either because I wish it wasn’t real or I’m afraid if I talk about it I’ll jinx it.  Simply when I stop talking something has taken over my life.  When I stop talking something major is going on.  Maybe it’s one thing or maybe it’s a lot of little somethings.

Regardless…

I still feel a tiny inkling to keep up my little space in your google reader.

Things I learned this past weekend:

• I could have graduated in 98-99 and still be 22 years old
• I surprise people – I may always be the ‘cute girl’ (never sexy) but my dancing may have you inhaling sharply
• It’s ok to finally confess some of the really horrible things that happened years ago that you never told anyone about.  (For example: almost drowning in the middle of a lake because your fucking asshole boyfriend left you with his incompetent friend, people doing lines of coke in the living room of a house you were visiting, being picked up at the Canadian border by your controlling boyfriend who wouldn’t let you go out with your friends, etc…)
• It’s ok to name things you regret even when you cling to the belief you shouldn’t regret anything
• I’m not the only one that gets nostalgic about a certain time
• Trust your instincts
• Playing games when you know all the rules is fun, there is something to be said about getting older and wiser

I was reading Times’ Top 10 Things Today’s Kids Will Never Experience (I felt like a smart person saying I was reading Times – just FYI) and number 8 made me stop and go, huh?

8. Tan M&M’s

I don’t remember the tan ones.  Do you?  Apparently, prior to 1995 M&M’s consisted of the colors tan, red, yellow, green, dark brown and orange.  They dropped having two browns and made room for blue.  Interesting…I learned something new today

This also made me think that in the Wedding Planner Mary wouldn’t have had to throw so many M&M’s out because she only ate the brown ones.

Right, yeah it’s been that kind of day.  I don’t know, it’s just going by so slow and I’ve actually been working.  Crazy, yes.

In good news I get to spend the weekend with my bestest.  The whole weekend!  It should be, if anything, relaxing.  I’m hoping that it will be more exciting and ‘OMG did that just happen’ though.  When we get together you never know which way it’s going to go.  Either way it will be fun. 

I can’t sleep. There is a lot of stuff going on in my head.  I found an old journal from when I first started dating C. The pain of losing my mom is so fresh and raw in my entries it brings back the pain and uncertainty. I was trying so hard just to get my feelings out.  At the back was an email I wrote to myself and printed out.

It solidifies my belief that we are who we are. We don’t change as much as we think we do.  Here are the last couple sentences…

Dated July 15, 2004

How was I able to cope with losing a boyfriend,  a dog (who I loved so much), and most of all my mother. Where is this strength I conjured up now? Why do I feel all alone in this messy situation I got myself into.  Life is a bitch and then you die. May the afterlife be simplier and pleasant for all mankind,  including animals.

Clearly right now I’m not dealing with losing a boyfriend and a dog (please no), but the rest of what I wrote hits a familiar cord.  I don’t know where my strength is now and I’m not sure I ended up where I am or how to make things right after everything that’s been said. 

My other entries talked about my worry for my dad and his financials. Like I said, some things just don’t change.  As much as I’d like to say I learned and grew from past experiences sometimes it feels like I make the same mistakes over and over again. Which in turn makes me go through the backlash another time.

Maybe now I can sleep.

PS…totally posted from my phone.geeked out!

I was crazy happy this morning. I got up and had this whole post I wanted to write. And then I got ridiculously obsessive and crabby and it all went out the window.

So instead of my fiercely awesome post you get this

{from Stuff No One Told Me, thanks Jenni!}

So terribly true!

My weekend was pretty fucking spectacular.  I was so messed up Friday that the memories and moments are still resurfacing.  For better or for worse.

Did you know you could shotgun a beer from a bottle?  Come hang out with me, I’ll pass on my new found knowledge.

Oh, Friday.

Saturday I got up from a little amount of sleep and waited for LP to come over.  We were going to get our eyebrows done but when I told her the little trick about shotgunning beers out of bottles she had to try it.  So at 11am that’s what we did.

We ran some errands, I talked her ear off and then we came back to get ready for a graduation party.  Cue more beer.

She had plans that night so I stayed in and chilled.  I feel asleep before 11pm and my friend Raych called me but I was too out of it to answer.  She texted me and it’s crazy how the past always comes back.

After talking to her today she is going to bring some cupcake wine to my house tomorrow.  I’m for sure excited!

I’ll save Sunday for another post, but I’ve been really into the dance music.  I think it’s time for some club action ASAP.

Enrique Iglesia – I like it

Usher ft Pitbull – DJ Got Us Falling In Love Again

Any other suggestions for me?!

<3

You know those conversations you had that you keep going over in your head.  For no other reason than to drive yourself crazy.

Yeah I’m there.

Part of me laughs because it is so ridiculous.  Another part of me is a tad mortified. And a third part of me is beyond mystified of the things that come out of my mouth.

“I took 3 sleeping pills and drank half a bottle of gin….Sing me a Filipino lullaby”

“I’m not singing you a lullaby”

The next day…

“You know you sang to me.”

“I did not.”

“You did, I wouldn’t sing you a Filipino lullaby so you made one up.  Then I asked you to sing it again and you did, the exact same way.  It was cute.”

“Shut up.”

“You better be careful with those sleeping pills, you might start singing to people.”

Also on my mind is the ridiculousness of the trip with LP and Jenni. I still can’t believe that some of that shit happened. Phone calls at 5:45am resulting in me buying breakfast is classic. Also, everyone was “naked” at some point. Oh yeah. *blush*

“Why do they call it a Beaver?”

Thank you Google.

I spend a lot of my time in limbo.  Not really progressing any of my skills or talents.  I’m really good at just hanging around making myself look useful.  I guess that’s a skill, right?

I love my job but 80% of the time it’s not challenging at all.  I’m not exactly a go-getter.  I don’t strive to be management or make 6 figures a year.   I slack more than I should even admit but I get what needs to be done, done.

The truth is I don’t know what I want to do.  I want to be challenged but  I don’t want to give up my flex schedule.  I want to  write more and about topics with substance, maybe get back into researching and editing but I don’t want to give up working from home.    It would be nice to have a bigger paycheck.  I’m not asking for much, a few thousand more a year would really help out.  Right now I’m on the low-end when it comes to salary.

Part of me misses working in Detroit too.  The job I was looking at has better tuition assistance in case I ever figure out what Master’s degree I’d like to obtain. I also wouldn’t have to leave campus to take classes.

At about 5 years I start to get bored.  My attention span is tiny.  It doesn’t help that there isn’t anywhere for me to advance in my department.  Choices.  I guess I’ll have to see what’s out there.  Maybe I’ll get lucky and find a perfect fit.  And if not, I have it pretty good now so I can wait it out.

Pieces of Me – August 2010

I like:

Laughter † Friends † New Friendships † Cold Beer † Jello Shots † Pizza Rolls † Playing on the Playground † Sunshine

I don’t like:

Feeling suffocated and claustrophobic

I want you to know:

It’s ok to go a little crazy sometimes.

I’ve planned:

To start figuring out what my next adventure is going to be.

I want to say to someone special:

Sometimes the road can be a little rocky.  At least one of us has faith.

*Thanks for the toothfairy for starting this