& that's the way life goes

Hmmm well shit comes in three’s right?  Well I guess it’s not really shit, it’s more family drama.  Not really even drama, more like shit I don’t want to deal with.

First there was the post about my dad and his troubles, which I kind of separate out because he’s my dad and I love him no matter what.  He’s always there for me and I don’t ever doubt that.  I’m lucky in that respect.

Then there was the fact that the holidays are coming up and though I love them, I hate them at the same time. (A huge thank you to everyone that commented on my post about wanting to love the holidays.)

And lastly, I got a card in the mail last night asking for forgiveness from my Grams.  My last contact with her was when she called me and then hung up on me because she can’t take the truth.  (and if you’d like a back story about how she constantly hurts me or how she contacts me to make herself feel better)

Before you get all, you need to forgive her bullshit, I don’t need that so you can click the little red X in the corner.  The bottom line is that she always hurts me in the end by shoving me aside.  It has happened  so many times in my life that I’m not affected by her anymore and I’d be stupid to be.

Forgiveness?  There is nothing to forgive.  She will never be the person I needed her to be.  She wasn’t there for me when my mom died.  She pushed me aside in a time of need on more than a handful of occasions.  Some women are not maternal or maybe she’s just not maternal to me.  I’ve always held her accountable, something I don’t think everyone does.

I guess my bottom line is that she is a sad person.  Someone who lost herself along the way.  I’ve heard she hasn’t always been like this.  That she adored me when my Papa was alive.  I do remember those times but they ended when he died when I was 6.

I honestly believe that the only reason she sent the card is because she has to face me this holiday season.  Something she hasn’t had to do in years because she was never here for the holidays.  This year is the first year we’ll be at the same place for Christmas.  So in a month she has to see me.  I don’t know if she thinks I’ll cause a scene (I wouldn’t) or if it’s just for her piece of mind that she reached out to me first.

I’ve tried and I know I have.  But you can only get slapped in the face so many times.  I start to trust her, to want to open up to her because yes I would like a Grandmother and then she makes me feel like shit.  I’ve learned to keep my distance.

I will respond to her, tell her that I forgive her because that is what she wants to hear, but I will NOT let her into my life again.  Holidays will be pleasant but my loving Grandma died when I was 15.

I learned at a young age that family who cares and will always be there to pick you up are not always blood related.