(disclaimer: if you are part of my family *coughmaekocough* – don’t read too much into the following emo post kthx)
I want to love the holidays. I used to. I try every year to get excited and for part of the time I am.
(Did you get an email from me? I’m sending out Christmas cards! If not, leave me a comment with your email address please!)
But then the dark haze kind of sets over me. I’m constantly reminded that no matter how much family surrounds me, I don’t feel close to any of them.
There are no aunts or uncles or grandparents that I would call if I was in a situation where I couldn’t call my dad or if I had a bad day and needed to vent.
There are no family members that call to wish me happy birthday.
Part of this is my fault, because I keep secrets close to my heart. I’m constantly afraid to burden family and let them in on my worries and insecurities.
I guess it’s also part because I don’t want to be the subject of family gossip, though I’m not even sure if they all gossip.
Sometimes I hate being an only child, it’s lonely.
I’m terrified of the day that I will be an ‘orphan’.
So yeah as much as I love the holidays, a small part of me just wants to hibernate through them.
It’s an odd combination to feel both warmth and isolation at family get togethers.
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7 Responses to “i want to love the holidays”
**hugs**
I dont know the words to say to try to make you feel better about this. But know that we are all here supporting you each and every day! And if you ever need to vent or whatever– you have my number!
Awwww, well, friends are like a second family! I spend some holidays with friends INSTEAD of my family. (A few Christmases ago, I spent it completely with my best friend’s family instead of my own. Things weren’t so great at my place…)
It does stink that you aren’t really close to your family
I feel isolated from mine at times, too… *hugs*
Email me at lovelilasite@gmail.com!
I want a Christmas card! Email me (jenniferhestand@yahoo.com), and I promise I will send you one back, and maybe that will help brighten your spirits around the holidays.
As a fellow only child, I feel ya. My biggest fear is when my parents get older/pass away. There will be no siblings to help care for them or pick up the pieces. No one to lean on. Maybe us only children just have to lean on each other?
.-= A Super Girl´s last blog ..Goal setting: Update 1 =-.
Wow, that’s a very heavy thing to carry around in your heart and I understand where you are coming from- you’ve been through a lot. I’ll wish for you this year that you throw caution to the wind and enjoy these holidays because they are just what they are, regardless of what happens- we cannot do anything to change what is meant to happen and I’d hate to think of you missing out on even an ounce of happiness. I hope you embrace it this year and just see what happens, see how it feels! And yes, as Super Girl says- lean on each other- and you have friends that think of you as family <3
I couldn’t agree more about the holiday things. Because my parents are divorced, the holidays (including Thanksgviing) are ruined for me because I forced to choose between the two or run around all day trying to make both happy. Either way, someone is always disappointed or mad at me. It sucks. I do wish I could just leave every year for the holidays and return on January 1. That would be nice.
And this… “Part of this is my fault, because I keep secrets close to my heart. I’m constantly afraid to burden family and let them in on my worries and insecurities.”
I feel the same way. SO glad that I am not the old girl out here in the world who does this.
.-= Jenni´s last blog ..Today Was A Great Day! =-.
[...] there was the fact that the holidays are coming up and though I love them, I hate them at the same time. (A huge thank you to everyone that commented on my post about wanting to love [...]