& that's the way life goes

I’m 26 and I’ve never dyed my hair.  My Mom instilled fear in me whenever I would bring it up when I was in high school.  “Your hair will NEVER be the same!” she’d tell me.  I was always proud that I inherited my mom’s hair.  She didn’t start coloring her hair until she discovered some grays and even then it wasn’t a regular occurence.  I have to say that I love the color of my hair.  In the winter it looks black, BUT IT’S NOT!  (I have feelings about this)  It’s actually just dark, dark brown.  In the summer the sun brings out the red highlights that I believe I inherited from my Irish Great-Grandmother.  (Yes I’m Irish thankyouverymuch.  At least about 1/8   I’m also 5/8 Filipino so some people laugh when I say I’m Irish)

Recently I was thinking about saying “fuck it” and dying my hair.  I go through stages where I just want to be different,  haha maybe be someone else   I was at the doctor’s office when this mother and daughter sat down next to me.  They were talking about the color of her daughter’s hair, which was a very dark brown.

Mother: I wish I would never let you dye it, it’s NEVER going to be the same

Dauther: You don’t like the color?

Mother: It doesn’t look natural, it’s a nice  color but you had such beautiful auburn hair before you dyed it.  It’s NEVER going to be the same.

Daughter: Yes it will

Mother: No it won’t

Needless to say, I abandoned the idea of toying with the color of my hair.

*looks up to the bright blue sky, “I hear you Mom, I promise I won’t dye it”

I’m going to spend my weekend cleaning, I think.  Which is fine, but it got me thinking.  When I clean, I wipe down counters and anything that is obviously visible.  But the basement, closets and cupboards are another story.  See you only see that mess when you open them up.  It’s kind of like my life right now.  I can be clean and organized on the surface, but underneath I’m pretty much cluttered and a mess.  The parts of the house that no one sees, I don’t want to even start cleaning those up because I’m overwhelmed.  I don’t know where to start.   Cleaning the basement, closets and cupboards means throwing things out that have sentimental value that I no longer want or need.  Things I outgrew, like my cabbage patch dolls, barbies, kiddie games, old clothes, cracked cups and broken dishes.  I know that it can’t wait forever, that one of these days I’m going to have to take the effort and time to clean up both the house and my personal life.

I lied.  I guess I feel like writing.  I was outside with my phone on lunch jotting thoughts down.  I’m so exhausted today.  I have no idea why, but I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this tired.  This is even worse than when I only got 2 hours of sleep.  I guess I haven’t been sleeping well lately.   Anyhow here’s a bullet of my randomness:

• I like the smell of wood (shut it! lumber…you pervert )
• I had a dream I was doublefisting donuts last night.  One was jelly filled, the other was glazed and had chocolate frosting on it.  YUM!  (sidenote: I used to be able to resist donuts…yeah not so much anymore)
• This morning someone brought in donuts, I chose the jelly filled, but wished I would have gotten a chocolate frosting one.
• I totally realized I dropped the ball on some work that didn’t get done.  It was an honest mistake I swearz!
• Red vanilla tea…amazing
• Favorite lyrics as of right now: “guess i’m wishing my life away, with these things i’ll never say”
• I want to curl up with my pups and sleep
• I need a vacation
• Sometimes I imagine myself going home to another place like another dimension of my life where the only things that are consistent with my real life are my dogs
• Some people hide their crazy well, others do not
• I eat a banana every day Monday-Friday
• I miss being responsible for just me

Ok back to work…

I don’t have a lot to say.  That’s a lie, I do, but I don’t feel like sharing today.  Instead, I will share happiz wit u.  (click on pictures to view originals)

I knew the answer before I took this, but I wanted confirmation   Thanks JQ!  I stole this from your blog!

You Would Make a Horrible 1930’s Wife

You are way too non conformist, independent, and sassy to be an ideal retro wife. You may be so wild that you aren’t even considering marriage! Good thing we don’t live in the 1930s anymore!

Ok so I’ve been meaning to do this for like a week now.  I’ve had an award bestowed upon me!  *Gasp!  (My stats have been falling, I guess I was much more interesting back in July.   I have to agree, though the things I didn’t write about were quite interesting.  There were times of complete crazy.)

So thank you Anonymous Amy, not only for the award, but for being an awesome friend!

And to keep with tradition, I am passing this along to the following bloggers:
ToughGirl101

Ramblings of an (un)satisfied 20-something

JavaQueen

and anyone else that is reading that you leave me a comment so I can check out your little corner of the internet

so funny, thanks Wishcake

To Love, Honor and Stalk

I let some of the anger go today.  Anger is my defense mechanism.  I don’t know when I developed this, because I remember being anything but angry when my Mom died.  I was sad and heartbroken but I never got angry.

At the beginning of the summer shit started to hit the fan and all I felt was anger.  I’ve been angry for going on 3 months.  That can’t be healthy.  What is that saying?  Anger is one letter short of Danger?

The sea of angry water retreated somewhat today and I felt for the first time the hurt of others around me.  I quickly “got control” and let the anger protect my heart from feeling any more.  The truth is, (my real life friends that have heard me bitch) the family has A TON of issues yes, BUT they also (when not being a major pain in my ass) act like they care for me when I am there.  I guess it’s just family dynamics that I’m not used to.  I don’t have any siblings, much less any that complain about each other on a normal basis.  Another truth?  C tries so hard to be what I want him to be a lot of the time.  Things I’ve neglected to mention because I’m angry.  Sometimes I think I’m not fair to him.  I acknowledge only his faults and nothing else.  Don’t get me wrong, there is plenty I could punch him in the face for.  But through these bad times I know that he would defend me over what his family says anytime, any place.  And he has on numerous occasions.

For a moment I remembered why I fell in love today.  My heart broke for him because of the pain he was feeling.  But the anger is still there, bubbling beneath the surface.  I’m trying to put it away, at least until a better time.  It’s hard.  I hope I can hold it back for 2 more days at least.  But I feel it boiling to the surface sometimes, and now is not the right time.

So send me positive vibes, because believe me, I need them.

I’m torn.  I’m teetering the line of being a coldhearted bitch or a very truthful person.  Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions, mostly anger and frustration with some deep heartfelt sympathy.  The stories I could tell.  The short version something tragic happened but I’m angry.  I have a right to be angry.

I’m sorry.  I’m so  very sorry.

We awkwardly looked at one another from our cars before throwing open the doors and racing into each other’s arms.

click image for original: taken from photobucket

Written for 20somethings Blog Carnival