& that's the way life goes

I was tagged by the fabulous JavaQueen.

The object is to complete each of the following snippets. I have included the blank ones at the end of this post so they can easily be copied and pasted.

I am: neurotic, intuitive, loving, self-centered only child
I think: way too much and sometimes I wish that someone could live in my head to see what I deal with on a day to day basis
I know: I have a lot to learn and as much to be thankful for
I have: grown a lot as a person in the last 5 years
I wish: I could take people’s hurts away and that everything wasn’t so complicated
I hate: rude, obnoxious people
I miss: the people that have passed away and ones I’ve lost touch with
I fear: loved ones dying and things exploding
I hear: the tv in the other room
I smell: wet dog (ick)
I crave: to create the happiness that I know is in my heart
I search: for answers and explanations constantly
I wonder: how different my life would be if my Mom were still alive
I regret: some things but then realize that what happens is meant to be
I love: easily and wholehearted
I ache: after my dad kicks me in the leg
I am not: an outgoing person
I believe: everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be will find a way
I dance: when I’m happy
I sing: in the car
I cry: by myself so no one can see my tears
I fight: when it’s absolutely necessary but I hate it
I win: when I get my way
I lose: whenever I let my emotions get the best of me
I never: imagined meeting so many great people through my blog
I always: try to see things from another point of view before I judge
I confuse: myself throughly a lot of the time
I listen: carefully and with my full attention
I can usually be found: on the computer…haha duh…or at the dojo…or lost in my daydreams
I am scared: I’ll never figure my place out in this world
I need: to be loved and wanted
I am happy about: my job
I imagine: that one day I’ll have my house up north
I tag: SleepyJane, Chickbug, Irish Cailin, Katelin from pretty sandy feet, Emma Elizabeth, Amanda from cusp of normal, Supergirl, And anyone else who feels like doing it. Let me know so I can check out your answers!

And copying from JQ, here is the list you can copy and paste:

And, just as sweetly as Teeni did, here are the blank for you to copy and paste:
I am:
I think:
I know:
I have:
I wish:
I hate:
I miss:
I fear:
I hear:
I smell:
I crave:
I search:
I wonder:
I regret:
I love:
I ache:
I am not:
I believe:
I dance:
I sing:
I cry:
I fight:
I win:
I lose:
I never:
I always:
I confuse:
I listen:
I can usually be found:
I am scared:
I need:
I am happy about:
I imagine:
I tag:

According to this article I found on AOL:

my odds of anxiety and depression are lower because I was a chubby baby

but…

I’m at higher odds to commit suicide because I was born in the summer.   The study’s authors note that their findings are consistent with the prevalence of people born during spring and summer suffering from seasonal affective disorders and alcoholism, both of which represent about 10 percent of total expected annual suicides in England and Wales. (see I do have that seasonal disorder!) Summer-born babies also have a higher risk of nearsightedness with the highest rates occurring in babies born in June/July…(I’m really nearsighted too!)

and…

I have a greater risk of cerebral palsy, autism-spectrum disorders, mental retardation, blindness, low vision, hearing loss, and epilepsy as well as disorders of psychological development behavior and emotion because I was premature

I don’t know if I necessarily agree that it’s my birth month that makes things be or not be, but it’s interesting all the same.

I had to post this because of the second to last paragraph. If you don’t feel like reading the whole thing, PLEASE scroll down to the bottom! It’s ridiculously true!!!

What Rialeilani Means

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You’re always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can’t handle you. You’re very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you’re likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It’s easy to get you excited… which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don’t stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start. You are usually the best at everything … you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic “Type A” personality. You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow. You are light hearted and accepting. You don’t get worked up easily. Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

I was reading chickbug’s blog (she’s pretty awesome, go visit her) and I think the post she wrote today is priceless. I hope she doesn’t mind me sharing.

To Love What Is

Are you loving what is? Or are you like me and focusing on what ifs and could bes? Wishing for things the way they were or how you want them to be?

I’ve been wasting time and life lately. Thanks to Chickbug, I’m going to start loving what is. I really needed to have things put in perspective. With my previous post and this I think I’m on the right track.

Thanks to everyone who left me such kind words and hugs today, I really appreciate them!!!

I’m guilty of not looking at the calendar on the weekends unless I have something planned.  When I got to work this morning I flipped my calendar past the weekend and landed on today’s date.  July 28.

I missed the 5th anniversary of my mom’s death yesterday.  It’s morbid, yes, but I like to light a candle and remember that day.  Not because I like the pain, but because it brings things into perspective.  Life is short.  Death is permanent.  No matter how much time passes you never stop hurting or missing special people.  It’s so important to live life and create our own happiness.

January 2003

Mother, I Don’t Mind The Pain
by Saundra L. Washington
When you died my dearest, blessed mother,
I had no sights or thoughts for tomorrow.
My soul experienced a wrenching eruption
Of pain and grief and excruciating sorrow.

The anguish of spirit: so unbearable;
The agony of mind: so intense,
The suffering in body: so unceasing,
Against all: I had no defense.

Nevertheless, beloved, I need you to know,
And I pray you can hear what I say.
I don’t mind the pain I’m going through.
It’s a small price, for our love, to pay.

We knew that one day we would have to part;
That death would come by in due time.

Birthday at the cottage

We knew how hard it would be for the other,
Who had to courageously linger behind.

But we knew our bond was worth the cost,
And valued each moment together we shared.
Now that I must without you go on,
The pain of my loss I will not be spared.

I wouldn’t, if I could, give my pain away.
It’s special and mine all alone.
It affirms all the love that I felt for you,
And in me, it can only be known.

So mother, though the pain of grief I endure
Will gradually and slowly subside.
The strength of the love that you and I share,
In the core of my heart will forever abide.

One thing about me is that I have never spent over $30 on jeans or anything really. I’m kind of cheap. I mean I would love to but I don’t have the extra cash for splurging. So while I was at Macy’s today I was trying on jeans. Sticking to the ones that were on clearance or $34 (ok so I’d spend $34, but that’s pushing it). But I tried on a pair of Silver jeans just to try them on and pretend I’d buy them (you do that too right?). They were perfect, so I took a peak at the price tag…$68. But the more I turned and looked at myself in the mirror I told myself that I deserved to have a nice pair of jeans! So I looked around some more but didn’t see any worth trying on and decided to pay. The lady at the register told me if I used my card I’d get 15% off and I was like “Bonus!” and then she rang the jeans up! They were $36!!!!! And with the 15% off they ended up being $28.90!

Wooohooo!!!! I love getting good sale prices!

On sale for $16.99!

On sale for $12

Things have been really rough for me lately so I can’t tell you how ECSTATIC I was! It totally made my day. I love productive shopping trips!

Ok I’m going to admit something to you…I watch America’s Best Dance Crew on MTV. Shut It! Most of the time I feel too old to watch MTV but I’m fascinated by this show. C’mon the groups choreograph their own shit and I find it utterly amazing.  Check out the performances.

That said…WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?! The 2 crews in the bottom were by far the best crews on the show and one of them got sent home?! What the fuck is up with that fanny pack group? Send them home! I’m still mad about this. Usually, I don’t get this invested in reality tv, but I’m very angry about this.

Ok *end RANT

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In other news this weekend will consist of maybe ripping up more carpet for a house we won’t be living in for much longer and throwing out the nasty couches.

Also, maybe hanging out with my friend L. We’ve been going through a lot of the same shit lately, it’s a little freaky how well we can relate to one another. The way we met is also a story in itself.

I’m getting my haircut and eyebrows waxed tomorrow. I know, I’m so exciting! Right

If the weather is nice we might go on the boat Sunday. Funtastic! I’m losing my tan so I hope to be outside as much as possible this weekend.

I hope yours is fabulous!!!!

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One last thing…

There is a Tae Kwon Do tournament in Hawaii in December and there is a guy at the dojo that is thinking about going. Since I missed nationals this year in Detroit (waaaaa I didn’t have the $ to compete), I am secretly considering going.

In addition…it’s possible I might be testing for my bodan (temporary blackbelt) in September!!! *gasp

I had a meeting on Tuesday. It was an important meeting for me because it was my first where I had implemented most of the content. After my meeting I went to lunch and bought my running shoes and when I returned these were sitting on my desk.

sorry pic is from my phone so it's blurry

I was a little embarrassed, I’m not a huge fan of getting flowers at work, I hate all the questions that go along with them. “What did he do?” was kind of the most popular LOL.  The last time C sent me flowers was when we broke up for awhile back in 2004.

just a close-up, they are pretty

In the 5 years we’ve been together C has neglected to hear me when I say I hate roses. (ok hate is a strong word but I dislike them, especially red) WAIT!!!! Just read on before you start swearing at me and calling me ungrateful.  C and I haven’t been on the same page lately, and part of that (not all), is because he doesn’t really hear me when I talk to him.

What I found out later was that he waited until he knew I was in a meeting and knew that someone else would be answering my phone.  He called and talked to the other Admin to confirm the address.  So this shows that yes, even if he doesn’t listen to me, he had thought this out.  And that is what makes these flowers special.

I have to say that I cringe to think how much he paid for them.  But it really was the thought that counted.

when…

I hear and feel the constant thudding

Three Days Grace echos in my ears

mosquitoes attack me alive

I got new trail running shoes today. Well I got my first pair. They are Northface. I’m not sure I feel about them. I feel like I need to ask my cousin N and his girlfriend MK some questions. They both run often and even marathons. They are pretty hard core. Me, I just do it for peace of mind. Anyhow, my arches hurt afterwards, I’m not sure if it’s just cuz I’m not used to jogging or if it’s the shoes. Suggestions?

Oh and PS, they were on sale and the guy gave me an extra 25% off…WOOOO

this is pretty awesome:

Try it out: wordle. net