& that's the way life goes

Kind of a downer of a personal post. I’m finally letting go completely. The words came rushing to me as I was driving to class and I had just enough time to get them down here before class started. There is no anger only peace now.

I was 18 and 1/2 (and yes that half matters when you are 18, especially when you are getting to know someone that is older than you). I was an only child and I was used to hanging out with people older than myself. I’m not saying I wasn’t naive (shit, I’m 25 and I’m still naive about somethings), but I also wasn’t sheltered and unaware of the world around me.

I can honestly say without a doubt we had no happy days. Sure we took trips (none out of the state because he wouldn’t fly) but most times were spent arguing – him belittling me and making me feel stupid and me retaliating because of the way he made me feel. This went on for 2.5 years.

I knew early on that the relationship wasn’t healthy, but I was drowning and unsure how to get out. I tried being blunt, “I don’t want to do this anymore,” but he threatened suicide each and every time, knowing I would back down because I was “soft”. I tried cheating (not sleeping with people…geez I wasn’t slutty), at least 3 times that I can remember, but this hurt my psyche even more than his. I don’t doing lying and guilt well. And in the end, I was the one that felt like shit and was apologizing, so I gave up. I endured his mental abuse because I had no idea what else to do. He fed me nasty lies and by this time I was so beaten down I didn’t have anything left to fight with. I believed my friends didn’t “care about me like he did, because if they did they would be here” bullshit. In reality my friends didn’t know how to help me. It’s one of those things where you have to save yourself and your true friends will be there waiting. There to take you out, give you hugs and tell you what a bastard he was.

I let him hang out with his friends while I sat at home feeling lonely with no friends to keep me company, but grateful for the quiet time. The time I didn’t have someone telling me how “young & inexperienced” I was. He was only 4 years older than me, not a lifetime. Sometimes I think he was the devil’s spawn dressed as the devout Catholic.

I don’t know what brought on this need to write about it. I’ve made my peace with it, even though I know part of my soul is still blackened from his affects. I’m much more dominate and demanding then I used to be. Poor C has to deal with this not knowing why. I won’t back down on things that bring back flashbacks of the weakness I once harbored. I’m happily married and I barely think about it. I think it’s because someone wrote a post about their ex and how they hope his new home is filled with termites, even though they have moved on (and I’m sorry for not remembering where I read it). So as I walk in the long awaited sunshine today, I questioned whether or not that 2.5 years was worth it. I learned a lot about myself and it of course made me stronger (what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger right?), but my answer is no. I’d love to go back and never talk to him in that class, but I can’t and that’s ok.

They say to write a letter and burn it, well I guess this is like a letter (even if it’s 4.5 years later). My hope is that if someone is reading this and is in a situation like this or has a friend that is, my “letter” will help. If not, hey at least it’s off my chest and I’m done with it. For good now.

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