Did you participate in Blog Secret? I did and here is the secret I was given to post….
Visit Nilsa’s for a list of other participating blogs (PS she was totally awesome for organizing this!)
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The first day I walked into the office and saw him, I had one thought: “I’m going to sleep with him.”
I was living with my boyfriend, who had recently told me he wanted to move out. He had a girlfriend of almost two years. The attraction was raw, like nothing I had ever experienced before. I was naïve, but that was what drew him to me. As for me? I was just drawn to that attraction.
And I knew he felt it, too. It started with our legs touching at happy hour. Suggestive emails were exchanged throughout the work day. We wouldn’t look at each other. Any touch was electric. For two months, it was just flirting. Sexual flirting, but innocent enough.
One day, I needed a ride to pick up my car at the garage and I asked him to take me. This was the first time we really got to talking outside of work and the conversation was charged with sexual tension. From then, the emails were even more intense. He challenged me to step up to the plate. I’d retort that I’d follow his lead.
The Friday before Memorial Day, we were at happy hour, following a day full of sexual emails. We left and I was following him to get to the highway. My phone rang. “Follow me,” he said. I did.
I followed him back to the parking garage at work. We parked in the basement level and I climbed into his front seat. We started talking and I wondered if it was going to happen.
“I told you to make the first move,” he told me.
“I’m scared,” I admitted.
“Of what?”
“Well the possibility of rejection always exists,” I said, even though I knew it really didn’t at this point.
“Silly girl,” he said and leaned over and we kissed for the first time. His hands started wandering up my shirt. He unbuttoned my pants and the making out became hot and heavy. He undid his pants and climbed on top of me. My right knee banging against the car door, we had the most intense, amazing sex of my life. It was forbidden, it was wrong on so many levels, but that made it even more electric.
“This is going to change everything,” he told me.
“I know.”
And it did. I craved sex with him from that point on for years. He became my booty call, and me his. Just a simple text message and he’d come over. My boyfriend had moved out shortly after that night, although he never knew about it. About six months later, he broke up with his girlfriend, and hasn’t dated anyone since.
We’ve had sex on and off for five years. There were times when we would do it every other week or so. We never talked about other people. He never stayed the night. We would lie together afterwards and talk, though. During the entire time we’ve been doing it, we’ve also worked together. He never told anyone about our relationship, and neither did I. In fact, I’ve lied to people, I’ve denied it, I’ve come out and said he wasn’t attractive at all.
I’ve had very good friends never know about this relationship. I’ve had boyfriends during this time never know about that relationship. If I was seriously dating a guy, I would stop sleeping with him. But if the relationship ended, the text messages would start again.
I know eventually I’ll have to give this up, but I’m scared. It’s a safety blanket, knowing someone will always be there to fulfill my needs. Someone will find me attractive and desire me enough. Granted, this isn’t someone I’ll ever be in a real relationship with, but that’s okay. I just wonder if I’ll ever be able to find a real relationship because I’m enjoying this so much.
It scares me how easy it is to keep a secret. It scares me how easy it is to have this illicit relationship. It scares me how easy it can be to just lie. And it kind of makes me wonder who else is having this kind of relationship. Who else is doing this and can’t talk about it anywhere?
